Exhausted and nowhere to go

Posted on May 11, 2010 in Mummy blog | 3 comments

After a couple of weeks contemplation, silence and nostalgia I have finally found the courage to get back to the blog.

Theres been no frilly knickers needing ironing and no unnecessary cleaning of the front of the fridge (I won’t go there).  Instead what lead me to pause and create a silent gap on my blog was the awful exhaustion I have been feeling for no apparent reason.

Why is it that tiredness hits you harder once the kids are older as opposed to the first few months of their life?  Is it just because back then we are used to the lack of sleep?  Or is it because we have settled back into a sleeping routine and the interruptions then feel like a volcanic eruption.

Pickles has had two bacterial infections in the last two weeks and although she has cruised through them, I haven’t.

‘Silly-mummy syndrome’ takes hold and I am on a knifes edge, worried, panicked.  My mental faculties seem to fly off in the distance only to then turn and taunt me yelling “are you crazy”, “stop the excessive worry and take a breath”.  But I find it so hard.

I lost my Mum at the age of 25 so death is far too real to me.  This has had a knock-on effect I never expected.  Now, any kind of illness puts me in a state where I excessively worry.  I stupidly panic.  And a crazy worry-wort takes over.

This excessive worry is what seems to exhaust me.  So how on earth can I stop it?

I know maternal attachment has a lot to do with it too.  I know I am still attached to her via the invisible umbilical cord but I just struggle to relax when she isn’t well. Stupidly so.

Now that she is fine I am recovering and attempting to lift my eyelids back into the real world.  And so I say a big “hello” on my return to the tap tap tap of my keyboard to those out there so patiently reading my blog.

Thanks for sticking around!