Who am I and where did I lose my identity?

Posted on Jun 8, 2010 in Recent | 3 comments

Music has always had a cathartic affect on me, one I had forgotten for two years but I never dreamed I would find ‘me’ again by simply bringing it back into my life.  And if you told me that it would give me back my identity two years after becoming a Mummy I would never have believed you.  Surely I need a years psychotherapy for that?

Having a baby has been the only thing in my life until yesterday. Standing at the kitchen bench, the cold laminate under my elbows I sighed that same old tired sigh that had become a nemesis since Pickles was born.   Here I am, ironing items of clothing only me and my hubby used to see, I am a slave to the dishwasher, shackled to it twice a day and the rest of me belongs to the challenges of being a responsible adult and a ‘positive parent’.  Geesh. Who am I was a question that haunted me since being lost in the word of becoming a parent.

Where did I go?  Who was I besides Mummy?  Somewhere between giving birth and yesterday I had lost the art of myself and lost my identity along with it.  Except for the role of Mummy I had no idea who I was, what I wanted and where I sat in my future.

Then yesterday I picked up a little treasure chest and inside was a little shiny disc, begging to be played.  ‘Surfacing’  by Sarah McLachlan is ancient history for me and when I put it in the CD player I was rushed back to a time in history where I am free.  I had very little responsibility and was living my days with coffee, lunches, time with friends and the same Piano Bar every Friday night for 26 weeks in a row.  (I wasn’t their mascot I swear!).

Where had I gone? I wondered.  I had heard Mums speak about losing their identity and struggling with their ‘self’ in an overwhelming identity crisis and feeling like no one except Mummy and now here I was having fallen into that same void.

Most days I feel like a machine on autopilot in Parentworld.  The robot who never gets to be Jay Marie anymore, just Mummy, Wife and occasionally friend.  Some days I struggle to feel like anyone else but ‘Mummy’.  I don’t remember signing up to disappear yet my whole being seems to reside on planet earth for Pickles and Daddy and not me anymore.  Or am I?  Could this all be in my head.  Tantrums, cleaning, washing, teaching, tired and then another night without much sleep, am I dreaming?

“Someone please grab my unattractive but comfy grandma sized knickers and yank me out of here!” I exclaimed.

So here I was, Sarah’s whispering tones drifted past my ears and I was staring at Pickles pouring her dry rice bubbles over the couch creating a much bigger smorgasbord for herself.  Suddenly I have a sense of life merging deliciously together, like the chocolate icing on grandmas fudge cake.  Like the cheese that melts so gooey on my toasty I am suddenly standing at the kitchen bench changing.   I felt it deep within the boundaries of my unconscious mind.  No longer pushing against an unseen wall I am free.  I had this overwhelming sense of that free me bonding with being a Mummy and understanding that the role I love so much, that of Mummy, is just a part of the woman I am now.  It is not all of who I am and I need to let it nestle in beside Me the singer, Me the friend, Me the sister, Me the wife, Me the blogger, Me the happy go lucky ‘free’ me.

By the time the music simmers into the background and the song ends I have an incredible sense of who I am now.  I am so proud to be Pickles Mum.  Now I won’t mind the tired days, the days of being a dishwasher slave, the days of tantrums and challenges and the days I miss out on cocktails and dancing.  Instead I look forward to the days I go to singing lessons and the days where I can sit and have a long lunch with a girlfriend, Pickles tucked away safely at home with Daddy and I look forward to my most favourite identity of all, Mummy.

Most of all I look forward to just being because now, I just am.